When I was a young teen, porn was quite the precious commodity.  You couldn’t just grab your iPhone out of your pocket and go to XXXBigButtHoneysFuckySucky.com and have two women licking each other’s unmentionables at a moments notice.  You had to work for it.  It came down to either shoplifting it from the local newsagents, finding what used to be known as “forest, or woods porn” (more on this later) or nicking some from your mate’s dad’s stash.

The late 90’s was all about sitting up late at night with SBS on mute, waiting for Weather Woman or Chinese Ghost Stories.  That moment where all the waiting was finally rewarded with a brief flash of tit or – no way – is that vag?  That moment was always spectacular and well worth the effort.

Let’s travel forward through time a little and look at how far we’ve come – and yes, I know how dangerous it is to use that word in an article about porn you damn perverts.  Do me a favour (those of you who aren’t at work), as a demonstration of the point I’m about to raise, go to http://www.redtube.com.  Click through a few pages and I guarantee you that you will find at least one video featuring some, or all, of the following:

• Gagging
• Bondage
• Donkey punching
• Spanking
• Rimming
• Fisting
• Footing (!!)
• Choking
• Double penetration

Now, I’m not saying there is anything particularly wrong with any of the above.  If you’re into any or all of that stuff, go for your life.  The problem is – it’s kind of becoming the norm.  It’s becoming harder and harder to find porn that is literally just two people going at it.  I don’t want to see some pretty girl turn into a panda faced buffoon while some gigantic african penis is rammed down her throat.  I just want to see hot chicks get fucked.

During my… uh… research for this post (I’ve been researching this post long before blogs existed, by the way) I’ve found that European porn is typically the number one fornication destination if you want plain old vanilla sex.  Australian porn is pointless because it’s only legal to sell X-rated material in the Australian Capital Territory and (I believe) the Northern Territory so any porn you get is R-rated.  American porn is… well BangBros, Brazzers and Max Hardcore.  Interesting when you consider that Americans tend to be the ones that are considered prudes, while the Europeans are considered more sexually aware.  Australians are probably not really considered at all.

The internet has taken away from us the more innocent types of porn but it can still be found – it’s just less common.  However, there is one thing that the internet threatens to eliminate.  That thing is: woods porn.  Woods porn is the term used to describe the mysterious stashes of porn found in the woods, by teens of all ages, all over the world.  It’s a proud tradition, passed down man-to-man. For decades men have been discarding their old porn mags in the woods waiting for the next young fellow to stumble across it and begin his own journey of discovery.  Some of you will know exactly what I’m talking about, others may have never stumbled across such a stash, but they do exist – for now.  I can’t see the men of the future leaving stashes of DVD-ROMs or hard drives out in the woods to be found by some lucky lad, nor can I see such devices surviving the harsh weather even if they were stashed in the woods.

This whole post has been very whiny and depressing, so it’s time to go upbeat for a moment and consider whether there’s something productive that can come of all this.  What can we do about this sad state of affairs?  It’s easy: go buy a porn mag.  No seriously, do it.  Go buy a porn mag, pop it in a plastic shopping bag and go litter in the middle of the woods.  Not too far into the woods, just far enough that some curious person may happen across it.  Do your part to continue the tradition.  Don’t put some mag full of fisting and gagging in there.  Put something vanilla and accessible.  Think “my first porno”.  You’ll be doing your town, your state and your country – hell, the world – a favour by doing so.

If we work together, we can save the porn – and the children too I suppose.