6. The Intermissionist

I don’t think that’s even a word, so I’m staking my claim on it right now as my very own word for people who insist on getting up and down during a movie and then expecting you to explain everything they missed.  This is very annoying in any movie that you’re particularly enjoying because not only are you having the constant distraction of them shuffling about, you’ve got the added frustration of having to pause the movie and explain the stuff they missed, completely taking you out of said movie.

Similar to this is someone who will come in halfway through a movie and expect you to catch them up on the first half.  With a simple Adam Sandler comedy this probably wouldn’t be an issue at all, but for anything more involved it’s annoying as hell.  Imagine trying to explain the first half of Body of Lies to someone while simultaneously watching the second half.  Doesn’t sound fun?  That’s because it’s not.

5. The Fortune Teller

OMG I TOTALLY CALLED THAT TWIST

This is something I really can’t stand.  There’s usually that one guy who feels like he has to one-up everyone else by calling out a twist before it happens in case he predicted it correctly.  While predicting a twist can sometimes be a “wow, nice one” moment, it’s usually a “you dick, I didn’t see that coming and you ruined it for me” moment.  It can even be as subtle as someone saying “Oh I bet that guy will get shot any minute now OH MY GOD HE JUST GOT SHOT!”  It’s not like it’s some major plot twist, but holy shit does it ruin a movie having someone do that.  Even worse is that usually the prediction they’re making isn’t even a difficult or insightful one.  Most of the time everyone will already know what’s coming but they’re too busy… oh, say… enjoying the movie?

4. The Questioner

Kevin Spacey, The Usual Suspects

Why is she opening that closet?  Is that guy dead?  Who killed that lady?  Where did his wife go?  Am I annoying yet?

This is possibly the worst type of movie viewer on the list.  This is the person who you will go to see a movie with, neither of you having seen it before, and they will ask you question after question after question.  I don’t wanna get all sexist up in here but for some reason this is something almost all girls do.

It’s simple: I haven’t seen the movie before, I only know as much as you do.  Why the hell would I know who killed that guy if you don’t?  Part of the frustration of this is the implied necessity for everything to be blatantly obvious in a movie.  How can they just have that guy be dead and not say who did it?  That’s because it’s a mystery!  It’s the whole point of the movie!  Seriously people, come on…

3. The Thrill Seeker

Underworld is a shitty, shitty movie.

Sometimes you’ll go see a movie that is absolute fucking shit.  I’m talking about absolutely terrible, retarded movies like Underworld (I’m gonna get into trouble for that one).  It seems as though if the movie makes no genuine attempt to be good, you should automatically be able to suspend your critical mind and enjoy it anyway.  I enjoyed plenty of movies that quite obviously necessitated a suspension of belief, that’s not the issue here.  If I don’t like a movie it’s because I have watched it, thought about it and come to the conclusion that it’s a terrible movie.  I’m sorry if that undermines your precious fucking pearl of a movie (I’m looking at YOU Transformer fans) but I literally just despise the movie.

They will often tell you that “you’re no fun” or “you only like boring movies”.  Even more common is “I just like to have the occasional movie that I don’t have to think about”.  There’s a big difference between not-thinking-about-it and blindly adoring it for indiscernible reasons.  Often this is just a case of the fan trying to make themselves feel better by pretending that you only dislike their favourite movie because of something you’re doing wrong.  Conveniently, this leads me onto the next point…

2. The “You Just Don’t Get It” Guy

Have you ever watched one of those arty movies and not really liked it much?  That’s okay – if you didn’t like it, you can’t help it, it just wasn’t to your taste.  Or maybe… You just don’t get it!  That’s what some people will have you believe anyway.

These people are annoying as hell and tend to place themselves on some level above everyone else when it comes to movies.  Sure, there are some times when “not getting” a movie can truly ruin it but usually if someone didn’t like a movie, they just didn’t like it.  They’re not missing out on some highly intellectual subtlety that only your finely tuned cinema eye can detect.

On the other hand, I did know someone who once said they hated Fight Club because it just seemed to be all about fighting and was therefore a guy’s movie.  While I concede that guy’s are probably much more likely to enjoy the movie as it does drive home a lot of the insecurity and frustration males face, it’s not fair to say the movie is “just about fighting”.  It’s not about fighting at all.  This is the rare case where someone truly has misunderstood the movie.

That being said, I’ve been told I don’t like Twilight because I “don’t get the movie”.  No, I don’t like it because it’s an atrocious piece of film-making.

1. The Fact Checker

This is the guy who will impulsively point out any factual inaccuracy as soon as it occurs.  The title of worst offender is currently a tie between science buffs and gun nuts.  Imagine watching a movie like Bad Boys, which is obviously supposed to be fairly over the top and generally exciting rather than thought provoking.  That won’t stop the gun nut fact checker from pointing out that gun that shot more times than it should have, or that gun sound that isn’t the right sound.

It goes without saying you shouldn’t even bother watching a science fiction movie with a science buff present, unless you’re happy to hear them harp on about how they did the time travel all wrong or how computers don’t really work in the way the movie presents them.

Terminator Salvation

Before we start, I’m not some obsessed Terminator fan.  I’ve seen them all and I enjoyed them all, but I’m not some rabid fanboy so bare that in mind while reading this review.  If you don’t like the movie because they destroyed your childhood memories of Terminator or some shit, then don’t bother reading this review.

Now, with that out of the way, I really did love the new Terminator.  It was a bit of a surprise as I really wasn’t sure how well it would turn out after the lackluster affair that was Terminator 3.  I was pretty keen for it since I knew Christian Bale would pull a great performance and I had high hopes for Sam Worthington.

I don’t want to carry on too much about the plot as there are a few (fairly predicatable) twists throughout.  On a general note though, the action was really quite intense.  Keep your eye out for one particular scene in the beginning with one long tracking shot of John Connor running to a helicopter, jumping in and taking off.  The camera actually follows the helicopter up into the air.  It’s a very well done shot and you’ll see why when you watch the movie.

Everything about the way the movie is made is very impressive, right down to the colour shifting used to bring more silver into every frame.  It works a treat and gives the whole film a very industrial, futuristic feel.

In short, you should probably go see this movie, even if you didn’t like the other three much.  It’s done in a very different style, and is probably closest in overall atmosphere to the original Terminator.  That being said it’s still quite a unique take, with very serious overtones and only a spattering of humour offered throughout.

Fast and Furious: Not completely spastic

Vin Diesel is a hardcode motherfucker.  Just wanted to get that out of the way.  He’s not an amazing actor, but he has one hell of a screen presence.  If Vin Diesel ever had to tackle an emotionally complex role I doubt I could handle it, but in his Fast & Furious role he is absolutely spot on as the good-bad-guy.  The same goes for Paul Walker, as much as his character irritates me, he portrays it well.  But what about the actual movie?

When I heard about this sequel I was very careful not to go getting excited about it.  I’ve seen both 2 Fast 2 Furious and Tokyo Drift so I know how bad they were.  I had seen the trailer and I was aware that the original cast was back and understood that it was intended as a rebirth of sorts.  This got me enthusiastic but I could just picture all the ways the new movie could go wrong.

Thankfully, it didn’t.  The new Fast & Furious is an excellent, pedal-to-the-metal action flick that does well to maintain a serious note underneath all the action.  While the story did seem a little overdone and flowed a little too quickly to be satisfying, it was still better by a long shot than the horrible movie I had feared.

One of the things that hit me straight away was the brutality in the film.  All of the stunts were filmed incredibly well to really make you feel every crunch, punch, hit and even the near misses.

If you were a fan of the first movie, and maybe even the second, you should definitely see this as soon as you can.  If you were a fan of Tokyo Drift, you should shoot yourself to avoid ever tarnishing this movie with your presence.

Race to Witch Mountain: Not as gay and retarded as this picture suggests

I went and saw this while in Melbourne and I really didn’t know what to expect.  Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is in it, so I considered that a possible plus, but also knew that the movie is aimed at children, a possible negative.  After seeing the movie, I have to say I’m still not completely decided on whether I liked it or not.

Overall the movie was pretty solid – special effects were good, Dwayne Johnson was right on target balancing funny with tough-guy and the story was simple enough for kids to follow while not being overly stupid.  All that being said, I do have one major gripe that comes close to ruining the movie.  The alien called “Seth” is played by one of the worst child actors I’ve ever seen.  His role is supposed to have a certain woodenness to it I guess, but I’m not kidding when I say we’re looking at Keanu 2.0 here.

At any rate the movie was enjoyable in a simple, basic kind of way.  It had a couple of moments where it tried a bit too hard to be flashy and impressive but the best moments were the unassuming ones.  I’d sit through it again if it was on, and I recommend you see it if you haven’t already.